Boundaries of Grace

Learn to forgive the woman you were and love the woman you're becoming.

“You made your bed, now you have to lie in it”! – A lie I believed and one that kept me bound for most of my Christian walk – and I didn’t even realise it.

Every time I became disillusioned with my marriage, or with where I was in life, that is what I’d say to myself.

What was the bed I’d made for myself?

Becoming pregnant before marriage! Now I know it takes two to tango as they say, but for me, it felt like I carried sole responsibility for this.

Never once do I recall ever thinking that my husband (yes, we got married and still are after 47 years) was just as responsible as I was.

And that there, is another lie we believe as women. That we are responsible for all that is wrong in the world.

As a redeemed daughter of God, I KNEW I was forgiven, yet time and time again over the years, this is what I would tell myself – “You made your bed, now you have to lie in it”!

Even after going through “leadership training” many years later, where part of the course was about making peace with your past, it would still resurface.

One day when it happened again, I cried out to the lord and said: “Lord, I thought I was over this, I know you forgave me, why does it still keep coming up”?

His answer: “But you haven’t forgiven yourself”!

Wow! Just hearing those words from my Heavenly Father not only made it feel like a burden had been lifted, or a boundary had been removed, it gave me permission to do the same – to forgive myself and to walk free.

I thought I had forgiven myself, and my husband, but hearing God say those words to me is what made all the difference.

Since that day, those words: “You made your bed, now you have to lie in it”, have never crossed my mind again. I was finally able to forgive myself.

Psalm 86 v 5

For you Lord are good, and ready to forgive. And abundant in mercy to all those who call on you.

Hebrew 8 v 12

“For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more”.

Not only does God forgive us, but He also never thinks about our sins ever again! So why do we?

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?

Because the same enemy that deceived Eve in the garden, is still deceiving God’s children today.

If Satan can keep you believing that your past tarnishes your image as God’s daughter, he can keep you from ever fulfilling your purpose, which is to reflect His image to the world.

Satan isn’t concerned with the Christian who is Christian by name only, but the moment he realises that here is someone who’s committed to becoming everything she was predestined to become, he will zero in on that one thing that you believe makes you unworthy of being an ambassador for Christ, and use it to make you doubt yourself, and worse, doubt the very word of God, that says you are forgiven.

Judgement is not from God

Are you guilty of judging someone that God loves dearly, yourself, harshly?

Romans 8 v 1

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”.

That’s what God’s word says – there is no condemnation. Next time you find yourself judging yourself harshly, remember this verse and know the condemnation isn’t from Him but from the enemy trying to deceive you.

As someone who is learning to lay down her old self, and put on her new nature in Christ, there have been times when the Lord has had to correct me, but never has it felt like He was judging me.

2 Timothy 3 v 16-17

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man (or woman) of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Sometimes God will correct you through His word, other times He will gently correct you in the Spirit. However He chooses to do it, you will always come away feeling like you have just experienced the lovingkindness of the living God and you will be grateful for that correction.

You cannot forgive yourself until you learn to love yourself

As Christians the whole concept of self-love can sometimes feel uncomfortable.

We’re familiar with verses about dying to self, taking up our cross, and avoiding pride. Because of this, we can easily confuse self-love with selfishness or even narcissism.

Satan distorts our idea of self-love into selfishness, but God defines self-love as seeing yourself the way He sees you.

You cannot properly love what God created (yourself) if you’re constantly judging it.

Mark 12 v 31

And the second is this: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” There is no other greater commandment than these.

The second greatest commandment, after loving God with all your heart and all your soul, is the command to love others, as you love yourself.

This commandment presupposes that you love yourself, but if your standard of self-love is harsh judgment, condemnation, and withholding grace from yourself, then that is the standard you will eventually bring to your relationships not only with others, but with the Father himself.

Loving yourself is the baseline for loving your neighbour.

Biblical self-love isn’t about worldly self-empowerment or saying, “I am perfect on my own.”

It’s about saying, “God loves me, Christ died for me, and I choose to agree with His assessment of my worth.”

Worldly self-love causes you to set boundaries that cut people off, protect your personal comfort at all costs, and eliminate any inconvenience.

It treats boundaries as a tool to put “Me First.”

Biblical self-love helps you set boundaries to protect your identity, purpose and calling as daughter of God, so that you have the capacity to love and serve others well.

Get Comfortable with Self-love

You cannot forgive yourself until you learn to love yourself.

You cannot forgive or love others until you learn to love and forgive yourself.

But for many of us “self-love” feels like a dirty word. We worry it smells of pride or New Age thinking.

But true biblical self-love is simply agreeing with God.

When God looks at you, with all your past mistakes, which His word tells us He doesn’t even remember, all He sees is the image of His dear Son, Jesus Christ.

When we refuse to embrace the idea of biblical self-love, we build a boundary around our hearts that keeps us bound, unable to experience the fullness of His grace.

Self-love isn’t about vanity; it is about stewardship.

Worldly Self-Love

Forces you to hide your weaknesses. It tells you to mask your flaws, “fake it till you make it,” and rely purely on grit and self-reliance.

Biblical Self-Love

Allows you to be honest about your flaws and limitations without hating yourself for them.

It embraces the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9, that God’s strength is perfected in weakness, meaning you can treat yourself with compassion even when you fall short.

Move Forward in Freedom

The next time the enemy tries to remind you of the bed you made for yourself, remember that Jesus already redeemed you. You are no longer defined by the mistakes of your past, but by the love of your Father.

Stop treating yourself harshly.

Learn to forgive the woman you were, and love the woman you’re becoming!