The Courage to Say "NO"
How it helps you stand strong against temptation, and say “Yes” to your actual calling.
The Church often looks for a warm body to fill a seat, but God is looking for someone who’s heart is aligned with their specific assignment. Do not mistake a vacancy for a calling.
I’ll never forget the day I sat in a meeting of the outreach ministry at our previous church. We’d just elected a new leader and were quietly optimistic about the road ahead.
Unfortunately, for me at least, that sense of optimism quickly soured into a profound feeling of disappointment and despair.
No sooner had the Pastor introduced the new leader, when the first words out of his mouth were:
“Just remember, I’m here to manage this ministry, not to actually do the work”!
I was deeply saddened, and remember thinking “but why did he accept the position if he clearly doesn’t want to do the work”?
Did he feel like he’d been pressured into saying “yes” because he didn’t want to upset the Pastor?
Or was the temptation to be recognized as a “leader” too great to withstand?
A Similar Experience
I was still a very young, immature believer, when the minister of our church approached me about becoming a Deaconess.
He framed the invitation in such a way that it left me feeling I had no choice but to accept, and I distinctly remember him saying to me “God is calling you to this”.
This happened back when having women fulfil this role was still very new, so that alone made me feel uncomfortable.
The result was that I ended up saying “yes” when I really wanted to say “no”. I mean, who says “no” to God, right?
But also, if I’m honest, as a young believer, I believe I probably gave in to the temptation of being recognised as a Deaconess within the church.
The result was that I took on this role that I clearly wasn’t suited to, all because I didn’t have the courage to say “no”. It was totally not who I was, or what I felt called to do.
But the perceived guilt about saying “no”, my lack of courage, and my immaturity as a child of God, stopped me from turning it down.
Now, as I’m writing this post, I believe the Lord is showing me how this is a typical example of just one of the ways the church tries to fulfil a divine calling using a worldly compass.
Leadership often accepts anyone who’s willing to fill a seat purely because the position is empty.
People often accept those positions for the wrong reasons, either because they don’t have the courage to say “No”, or the temptation of being recognized as a leader is too great to resist.
Over the years I’ve seen it happen many times, someone being “called” into a role that was clearly either never meant for them, or they were not yet mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with it.
The Answer to This Problem?
The Lord’s been showing me that His daughters often feel like they’re drowning under the weight of expectations, and the pressure to say “yes” to every opportunity that comes along, for two reasons:
1. They’ve taken their eyes off Him and are trying to do things in their own strength.
2. They don’t know how to set boundaries. Boundaries that sometimes look like a “No”.
The Solution
In short, it’s about understanding, and being able to set Godly, Spiritual Boundaries.
But here’s the thing: the reason we battle to set Godly boundaries, is because we don’t fully understand who we are in Christ.
Godly boundaries are always about protecting your identity, purpose, and calling in Christ.
Before you understand that, you’ll continue running around like a headless chicken, trying to please everybody while silently drowning under the weight of everyone’s expectations.
All because you were never taught how to set Godly boundaries that would allow you to confidently and courageously say “No”.
In the world, boundaries are all about “me”. How do I stand up for myself? How do I show them who’s boss? How do I protect my “space”? It’s all about self.
Now I’m not saying “self-care” isn’t important, of course it is. But as Kingdom women we must look at setting boundaries from a different perspective.
Instead of it being all about “me”, boundaries becomes all about “who I am in Christ”.
It becomes about understanding and protecting my identity, my purpose and my calling in Christ.
When we become fully confident in those three areas, we’re able to set godly, spiritual boundaries in place that enable us to live and minister from a place of quiet confidence and authority, rather than from a place of fear and overwhelm.
Boundaries Help You Resist Temptation
Let’s be honest here for a moment. Being invited to lead a ministry, or even start a ministry, can be very flattering.
It means someone has seen potential in you, even if it is just the potential to get a position filled.
As the leader of any ministry, be it Sunday School, the Prayer or Outreach Ministry, on the mission field, or as the Pastor of a congregation, you enjoy a certain amount of “recognition”.
It can feel like you’re moving up the ranks of the church, and it becomes all too easy to fall into the temptation of saying “yes” to something that really wasn’t meant for you to begin with.
The problem with that is, you will never experience true fulfilment in what you’re doing. Instead you’ll constantly feel like you’re under scrutiny and pressure to perform.
And those you’re called to lead won’t be getting the fulness of what God intended to give them through you.
When your calling aligns with your identity and purpose in Christ, it will feel like the perfect fit!
Jesus: The Ultimate Example of Boundary Setting
We read in Matthew 4 v 1-11 how Jesus was tempted by the devil in the wilderness.
And again, in John 19 v 11 we see Pontius Pilate threatening Jesus with his power to crucify him or let him go.
In both instances Jesus was able to withstand both the temptations put before him, and the need to defend himself.
How could He do this?
Because He was 100% confident in His identity, His purpose, and His calling.
Jesus knew He was the Son of God, so He didn’t need to prove it by turning stones into bread or jumping off a tall building. (Identity)
When you are fully confident in your identity as God’s daughter, you can withstand the temptation of saying yes to things just to prove you deserve a seat at the table.
He understood that the only One He was to worship and glorify while He was here on earth, was the Lord God, His Father. (Purpose)
When you’re confident in your identity, you understand that your purpose is to worship and glorify God, your Father, through your life and ministry.
He was confident in the fact that the enemy had no power to threaten Him or stop Him from fulfilling His specific calling. (Calling)
Being confident in your identity and purpose, enables you to fulfil your specific calling, whereby you are called to glorify God, without fear of intimidation or what may happen if you dare to say “no”.
Understanding who you are, what you were created for, and the specific calling assigned to you, will help you:
Say no to the temptation of accepting a role that was never meant to be yours to fulfil,
And say yes to the God-ordained calling that was planned for you even before the foundation of the earth.
The Courage to Say “No”
Looking back at that meeting, and to my own situation, I realize now that a courageous “no” from both of us would have been a kindness to the entire church.
It would have prevented our own resentment and frustration, and opened up the door for someone whose heart was truly aligned with the work.
Saying “no” isn’t an act of rejection, it’s an act of stewardship.
It keeps you from making promises you cannot keep.
It enables you to serve with joy instead of resentment.
It protects the responsibilities God has already placed in your hands.
Jesus didn’t say “yes” to every good thing; He stayed faithful to the right thing.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, I invite you to subscribe to The Unveiled Leader, a space where women in ministry are equipped and encouraged to set Godly boundaries so that they can live and serve from a place of quiet confidence and authority instead of from overwhelm.
Please feel free to share this post with anyone you feel may benefit from it.
Unveiled blessings,
Jane
It makes me think of when they asked Jesus to come to Lazarus when he was sick. Jesus essentially said no. We know the end of that story. I think it is good to say no at times. I agree with setting up boundaries.